lovegrewthumbs

Tue, 18 Aug 2009 21:42:13 GMT

hearing a baby start to cry at the exact moment of orgasm is both unnerving and surreal.

Sat, 27 Jun 2009 04:15:46 GMT

i feel dull. there are specific people i really want to get to know but every time i run into them i get all nervous and intimidated because i feel like i seem boring.

Mon, 22 Jun 2009 20:48:12 GMT

i went to an open interview this morning. its so weird being in a room full of people who all want the same thing. everyone just...looking at each other.

Sun, 14 Jun 2009 10:46:34 GMT

i cannot believe i have only lived here two months. i feel so at home.
portland, oregon: i love you.

Sun, 10 May 2009 01:15:39 GMT

it's 70 degrees out but it's still so cold in my room!

Mon, 04 May 2009 23:12:40 GMT

a block and a half and a whole universe of distance.

Mon, 04 May 2009 20:11:37 GMT

you can't go home again is so much sadder when home is a person.

Wed, 22 Apr 2009 22:06:22 GMT

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh. portland is totally awesome, but i'm mad homesick. sick. sick mad homesick. ha.
i want to wear the least amount of clothes possible, feel sunshine on my skin, drink beer at stardust, listen to TI in the car with lindsay, swim at the beach the springs the pool, indian leg wrestle at leu, franksgiving. i want to be southern as fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. right now.

Fri, 03 Apr 2009 20:57:28 GMT

a million million things but
jumping out of a plane is the best thing ever.
jenny and my going away party was the best and biggest party i've ever been to in orlando
or maybe anywhere. thank you thank you thank you.
franksgiving
leu gardens
old friends
hot sex
all the crushes out of the woodwork.
and my favorite trees are blooming.
its like all florida is saying GOODBYE! WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH
AND HOPE YOU COME BACK
SOON.

Sun, 22 Mar 2009 04:46:10 GMT

on wednesday night, drunk and possibly with a minor concussion, i decided to go meet all the new punk kids who live in lanes old house. i ended up making out with whoever lives in lanes old bedroom. and i though my bike got stolen cause i left it out front too long and i kinda freaked out. but then it was found in the back. but yeah. i gave him my number but wouldn't take his cause my phone was dead. my memory of events is way clear, but details are super fuzzy, including what he looked like? i think he was cute but i can't really remember and it is driving me nuts! i just want to call him to hang out but i didn't take his number! why?! ha! should i just go knock on his door again? i feel too shy to do it a second time, sober and without head injury.
bashful!

ahhhhhhhhh!

Sat, 21 Mar 2009 04:29:43 GMT

i am waking up at 6am tomorrow to go hang gliding! holy shit!

Tue, 17 Mar 2009 17:04:20 GMT

i know that i have a good heart and strong ethics about how to treat others. sometimes i do shitty things, but never knowingly. sometimes i can be tactless, but i never aim to hurt.
knowing this keeps me comforted when i am not so lucky and don't receive the kindness and consideration i feel i deserve. everyone deserves.
no feeling is ever to crazy or irrational to be a legitimate feeling. no friendship is truly a friendship without honesty and openness. sometimes you don't realize what a huge disappointment something can be until it is.
i am glad i have so many friends who know how to be kind. i know some of the greatest people in the world.

Thu, 12 Mar 2009 14:32:31 GMT

last night, exhausted from days of simultaneous sick partying and mad emotional stress, not to mention the most badass night of dancing ever, i passed out a little before midnight. only to be woken up an hour later by two cops bursting into my BEDROOM, flipping on the light and asking me what i was doing. uh...sleeping? IT WAS SO SCARY! apparently they received a call from a 911 dispatcher who said she received a call asking for help and traced the number to a name of someone who supposedly lives at our address. which could be anyone really. but for real what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck???
this freaked me out on so many levels! first just being that startled while dead asleep. then the fact that there was a bag of weed on my desk the whole time one of the cops was standing in my room asking me questions. then the fact that they just walked into my house??!!!! they said one of the doors was open, but i wonder if it was open or just unlocked? because i didn't see any open doors before i went to bed. then wondering what was happening to whoever called 911 and who it was and was it someone i knew and is this even for real? is something going to happen to me here? was this a 911 call from the future and is something going to happen to me or my roommates tonight or tomorrow? i don't know.
i just don't know.

lump sum

Wed, 11 Mar 2009 02:16:50 GMT

what the fuck did i do to make all of this rain down on me and how do i right myself with the universe so that it stops?

brooklyn and such: a basic recount

Fri, 20 Feb 2009 04:41:43 GMT

this has been my first real trip to brooklyn. i spent a week in the city and only entered manhattan twice! i love...
flew in friday. took the subway to my uncles at rush hour = suck.
my uncle gave me an amazing gift. seriously, absurdly amazing.
trained to isaac's in williamsburg. met up with sean and val at some lame bar, then followed them to another bar, then decided to ditch them for dancing at hugs. isaac and i start getting drunk and getting low. we take ova the dance floor and some gay guy compliments us on our mad dancin skillz. "you guys look great out there!" from then on we are def competing with all other dancing duos.
obie tells me hes at the levey, so we leave and try to find him, but apparently he's left there and is in some practice space below hugs. its smells like mad weed down there and somehow we end up in a tiny closet of a room with a bunch of dudes banging on drums and doing coke. no one offers me any coke so im like fuck this. were outta there.
more dancing at hugs. way more getting drunk. isaac knocks my whiskey out of my hand and the glass splits, but the bartender replaces it for free. dancing get more intense, i shimmy too much and my boobs pop out of my dress that is too big for me. isaac decides its time to go.
we get back to his place and pass out. his room is fucking hot.
the next morning we combat hangovers with smoothies and taco bell in union square. i fall asleep on the train back to my uncles and have crazy dreams in between the stops.
when i get back i bathe and briefly nap. obie comes over and we eat pot brownies on the roof. we go looking for coffee and end up with mexican food instead. he rides me all over dumbo on his handlebars. now i know that i love love love riding handlebars.
v-day dinner with my aunt, uncle and their friends is mainly lots of different kinds of cheese and shell fish that i was not into. after, isaac and i meet at seans, get high and watch the most important video you may ever see. and live portishead.
sunday obie picks me up in his van and takes me to bed-sty. we eat awesome jamaican food, get high and freak out about how much we love cats for hours. he drives me over to where ryland and lisa are staying in bushwick on his way out of town. i am sad to say goodbye to him.
lisa gives me a giant hug, but ryland has doughy hands because he is baking bread. i sit and work diligently on audubon park market stuff while they cook indian food for dinner. we eat on the floor and it is soooooo fucking good. ryland drives us all (me, lisa, chad and chris) to cakeshop. i carry a heavy suitcase in and am dubbed a roadie. this earns me two drink tickets.
the show is awesome. ryland asks the crowd how many of them bake their own bread and only he raises his hand. chad is emperor x and a lot of people like him. adam and sean come to the show and seem to enjoy themselves. i sell merch and hang out with lisa a lot.
afterward we go to 169 bar and dance for 20 minutes but don't buy anything. lisa is a great dancer and so is chad. ryland dances some, but doesn't take off his wool coat or the guitar backpack he is wearing. walking back to the car, lisa and i share a reallllllly long piece of floss and stay connected by our teeth. i have to sit on her lap and we call phil to sing "im at the pizza hut, im at the taco bell, im at the combination pizza hut and taco bell!" they drop me off at adams, 22nd and 5th.
it 2:30 and i wake adam up but its ok. we sleep and then meet up with sean and sarah fr brunch. WHS reunion style. i have a moment where i'm like...whoa, this is so that time in my life where i get together with my high school friends for brunch in my mid-twenties. i feel very rite of passagey.
after brunch we all go back to seans and smoke and watch its always sunny in philadelphia. i try to make plans with chris kelley but end up too lazy to get off seans couch. i sleep there.
tuesday i go shopping in williamsburg. very sucessful. the prize is an amazing pair of vintage silk heels. when isaac gets off work we go hang with my aunt and uncle. we also eat avocado super nachos from the same mexican place i went with oberon. isaac heads home around 10 and i pass out early.
wednesday is all park slope. i meet up with eric for a long lunch and learn all about the occupation of the new school university. it starts to snow while we are walking around trying to find a place to eat and i am so pumped. back to my uncles for dinner and lounge time and then out again to meet with adam, sean, sarah and mike tabie (!!!) at barrette. drinking and sex talk and sleeping at sarah's. sarah's building is hands down the best of the whole trip. her apartment is huge and absurdly nice. mike tabie is the biggest gentleman to come out of western high school i think. i have been convinced to go to my ten year high school reunion.
beautiful beautiful beautiful morning walk to the train. my dad picks me up, and now i am in saratoga at uncommon waiting for erin to get off work.
next installment: saratoga springs.

Mon, 26 Jan 2009 05:38:29 GMT

you know i feel way more desirable than i seem to be. whats with that?
is everyone just stupid and blind? seriously.

oh well

Mon, 17 Nov 2008 03:33:11 GMT

i dunno. i think i got kinda dissed.
teaches me to be over confident.
bummer.

Tue, 28 Oct 2008 15:28:20 GMT

damn. florida got cold.
50 degrees at noon? in october? what is this?

Mon, 27 Oct 2008 01:18:32 GMT

tonight i tried to get back into cooking for myself after a long bout of abstinence. I under cooked my rice, over cooked my veggies and somehow managed to spice it so that it is very hot but still bland.
blah.
none of this stops bernie from trying to get at it though.

yeah! take that life! (and thank you!)

Wed, 22 Oct 2008 13:14:16 GMT

last night i rode my bike home after the grandma party sign-up and sang this song that i made up which was essentially me yelling holy shit over and over again.
because
H O L Y S H I T
life life life. everything always be all the time changin so fast and stayin the same so fast too.
people signing up for grandma party blew my fucking mind. i asked to see samples and people came so super prepared like they had to impress me. i felt so important. and then they gave me money! the past so many months of my life have consisted of me stressing out about not having enough money and last night i just sat in a chair and people pounced on me to give me their money. and i know its not really MY money but there is something about holding a huge wad of cash that can make a hard-up girl feel good.
annnnnnnnnnnnd then.... today i got my first pay check from roho and apparently i am getting paid .50 more per hour than i was told i was going to get paid!!!
yeah yeah yeah yeah!!
its good to be going up up up up up again. everytime it feels more sustainable.
and and i love love to crush on boys. its a bummer that it all exists in a fantastical world in my mind. or maybe its not so bad. every time i get on the up and up again some boy comes around and likes me and then the stick house falls over again and i waste all my time. maybe i just need to harness this crush energy into quiltmakingpartyorganizingcommunitybuilding energy. yeah.
i do regret not seizing my days though. but i wont let it change who i am.

Sun, 05 Oct 2008 21:00:20 GMT

its the worst feeling in the world to see something that means so much to you fade into nothingness. to see a connection severed by forces you can't control but feel like you should be able to. to have everyone around you say it's useless and know that they are right but to still not want to believe. because how could existence be anything less than perfect and loving and nurturing of everything good and pure and true. i don't believe that it makes me naieve to believe in the ultimate goodness and benevolance of all that surrounds me. i just don't understand yet where this situation fits in.

yeah! today!

Sat, 04 Oct 2008 06:14:05 GMT

i dropped off a bunch of resumes downtown and already i have an interview and two other promising prospects.
i learned how to (try) to have no-touch orgasms and made crazy sex sounds along with a room full of strangers plus frank.
i got in some awesome emily hang out time.
i work tomorrow night not tomorrow morning so its ok that i'm not asleep yet.
hooray!

Wed, 01 Oct 2008 08:40:52 GMT

why have i been so stupid with money and credit? all i want is to wwoof which doesn't cost but also doesn't pay. which wouldn't matter at all except i have to make stupid credit card payments.
fuck fuck fuck. fuck this shit. i don't know how to find a job when all i want to do is farm and probably couldn't care less about anything that would actually pay me.
except for maybe one million trees nyc.
i wonder what kind of scary shit is involved in donating eggs. doing that would wipe out my debt.

Tue, 30 Sep 2008 15:19:41 GMT

so i wake up this morning and im all kinda melancholy and blah and like whats up with that you know i had such a nice day yesterday. and yeah there are some messes in the house to clean up and shit i didnt get to yesterday because i was having such a nice day and all, and i mean who isnt worried about the economy right? but then realize what it is...
mr. you know who comes home today. such a bummer.
its been such a peaceful five weeks.

Fri, 26 Sep 2008 05:01:45 GMT

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggggh. i want to watch the new office episode so baaaad but i can't find it anywhere on the internet yet!!!!!